This is my story about Control...

'ello! 


This is a story about control, my control
Control of what I say, control of what I do
And this time I'm gonna do it my way- Janet Jackson-Control

Tuesday, I'm having a hysterectomy.  Yep, that's right, I'm not going to be able to bear children.  AND I am OK with it.  Yes, it is heartbreaking but I deeply feel like I am doing the right thing.  1.)  I will not pass along cancer in my genes. 2.) I would rather not have one more thing to wonder about.  My uterus has been metabolically active for quite awhile.  Why risk having cancer in another place? 3.)  There is always adoption. 4.) The Duggars have more than made up for any addition I could have added to the world. Besides, I would never be able to catch up with them now without looking like octomom.

I also have to confess the feeling of being less feminine and less desirable have crossed my mind. However, I know I will always be beautiful in the eyes of the Lord.  My uterus and cancer do not define me or my femininity.  They only make me stronger!  My battle may be unique, but it is mine!  Am I a greeting card or what?

Shocking as this all is, it is ultimately my decision. I was originally going to have them take it if need be.  They were going to go in laproscopically, look around and remove it if need be.  I decided rather than have them go in without me totally aware of what was going on, I wanted to have that control over what was occurring.  That and I hate things being drawn out forever. I already have too much of that.  WAY too much! So, I will be admitted to Mon General for a few days. My bronchoscopy in Pittsburgh has been moved to March 9th.

The night before I went to the doctor, I was watching Dr Quinn. Shocking, I know. (Ok, I confess, I watch it up to four times a day. It is most definitely something I look forward to.)  Anyhow, they showed the episode "Best Friends" where Dorothy thinks she is pregnant but actually going through menopause.  Anyhow,  she winds up having a hysterectomy.  I have been having hot flashes. Funny how that show likes to foreshadow lil specs of my life..

I thought i would share my letter to my uterus:

Dear Uterus,

I know God created me to have you included initially. However, you are being evicted!  I never wanted to start what people call "becoming a woman."  You also have tortured me with this process for over 22 years.  You decided to make it even worse, when I entered my thirties.  BOO HISS to you, Uterus.  I can't deal with you and the mysterious lesions within your walls.  Metabolically active things that can be removed, will be. Somehow, I've always known no one would use you as a residence.  Despite the amount of times I said I was going to have triplets.  It just gives me the chance to make a difference in the life of a child who's parents can't handle the responsibility. 

I hope you understand!

In lighter news, I would like to share a few of my favorite youtube videos!  ENJOY

The first ones are starring Ms. Kristen Bell!

Sophia Grace and Rosie Show!

I hope life is treating you all well!  Some people collect tattoos. I collect scars.


Peace!
K*